You’ve probably seen me in art class with a bottle of hand sanitizer. I bet you wonder why I hesitate when to shake hands or high-five. You possibly may have even seen me reach higher up on the door when keeping it open walking out of the cafeteria or into school. I’m sure you’ve witnessed me refusing to let someone borrow a pencil or to use a book provided by the school. Well, why?
I have the lovely Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (note the sarcasm, as this is no way lovely and it is actually a huge pain in my ass). You probably know what it is, right? A person over-washes their hands and likes things in order. Not exactly.
Sure, as in my case, there can be a “fear” of germs, but not every case. Not everyone with OCD has anxiety about things being in a certain order. Some think something bad will happen, or others are uncertain. There are thoughts that go into these minds with OCD that won’t go away.
“Okay, okay, what exactly are you talking about Emily? How does a thought not go away? Just stop thinking about it. Easy.” Nope.
People that have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder are fixated on that one thing. They cannot let it go, also known as an obsession. It causes them so much anxiety, that the only choice they see is to do the compulsion.
A compulsion, or ritual, is what someone with OCD does to immediately reduce the level of anxiety they have. Examples can be checking a lock multiple times or, in my case, washing my hands. Some people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder are aware that this is not regular behavior, yet they still feel the need to do it. Sometimes, I will wash my hands to relieve the anxiety but they still feel dirty. I know this is irrational but in my OCD brain, an alarm going off saying they are not quite clean.
You see, it is like I have two brains. There is an “OCD” one and my “Emily” brain. I know that it is irrational to think that just because a folder at school that is not mine touches me, suddenly I’ll be covered in germs. OCD on the other hand thinks otherwise. OCD is not me. It is something that stands beside me and nags me but I have learned to silence it.
When I let OCD rule my life, I was miserable. My day consisted of obsessions and rituals. But I decided to not be a slave to it anymore. Everyday I do exposures. This is where I face my fears. I touch that door knob. I shake that hand. I have become free.
OCD is not your satisfying pictures. It is not something that can be determined by one of your Facebook quizzes. It isn’t a cute little quirk you have. It is not a joke. OCD is a mental illness that makes me frustrated and cry.
“OCD is not a disease that bothers; it is a disease that tortures.” – J.J. Keeler
I am writing to this for multiple reasons. I wanted to finally explain my behavior, but I also do not want to be embarrassed by it. I have realized it is nothing I have to hide (especially because it is so hard to) and also that this is something that I have triumphed over. I was once trapped inside my mind, but I have gained control over my fears. I want people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder and other mental illnesses to know they are not alone and that no one should make you feel less-than because of it.
Please know I am here.
Understanding Emily 